He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
