i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
