Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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