As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
