Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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