I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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