So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
