I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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