You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize