EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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