Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
