I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
