My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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