Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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