come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
