someone owes me an orgasm
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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