there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
