I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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