now i know why i became what i already was.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
