I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
