she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
