OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
