How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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