You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
