Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
ok first of all what the fuck
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
