I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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