If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
