woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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