I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
