I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
