You're a womanizer and a bitch.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
