i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
