I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
