I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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