your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
