my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
