you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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