a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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