I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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