When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
