God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
