No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
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