dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
