just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
