Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
