so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I haven't been this sober since birth.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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