these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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