If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
