I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
