So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
