you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
why do cheetos always look like penises
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
