Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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