my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
