My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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