After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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