i just made my gag reflex go away.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
