textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
