the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
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Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
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You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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